


The Penelope Treatment

by madameseahorse



Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Awkward Flirting, Dirty Talk, Gift Fic, M/M, Phone Flirting, Phone Sex, more like phone flirting, not really - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-26
Updated: 2020-06-26
Packaged: 2021-03-04 04:22:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24917521
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madameseahorse/pseuds/madameseahorse
Summary: Spencer gets tired of his boyfriend flirting so much with their technology expert and tries to remedy the situation during a misplaced call from said boyfriend.
Relationships: Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid
Comments: 3
Kudos: 106





	The Penelope Treatment

It was the second week of June. The BAU had been called out to solve a series of murders in Nevada. Bodies elaborately staged doing things like watching television or getting their hair styled. There was always one piece of another victim left behind. So far, they had a foot, a hand, a couple organs, and an ear that were from a mystery victim (same DNA, but no matches found in any of their databases). Derek Morgan was at the scene of the latest victim. They found them in a coffee shop that also sold comic books. Like the other victims, they were posed. This victims seemed to be playing a card game.

He went to his call log and pressed a number he knew by heart.

“Baby girl, please tell me you got something.”

“Baby boy would be more accurate.”

“Spence, is that you?” He must have pressed the wrong number.

“That's right, my uh Adonis What can I do you for?”

Adonis? Do you for?

“How's the foot? Are you in pain?”

Spencer huffed.

“My foot pain is manageable, but not because of any narcotics. You know I avoid them.”

“Then why are you talking like that?”

There was a pause. Morgan could imagine his boyfriend looking around, over his shoulder, to make sure no one was listening to him.

“Didn't you say you wanted to role play? Not sexually, per say,” he added quickly, “but like you. Like flirting.”

Oh yeah! Derek had been talking to Garcia about a case (multiple victims that were frozen) and said something a bit too flirtatious for the young doctor's liking. He and the former hacker both assured Spencer that that was just the way they talked to each other.

“If it bothers you so much, I'll talk to you like that,” he half joked at the time. He expected his boyfriend to say no, or ask him to simply stop talking to Penelope like they were lusting after each other.

“What you can do me for is look up some information, baby boy.”

“Oh, yes! My pleasure. Let me just get my systems up.”

Spencer was currently at home and probably in bed resting his sprained ankle. Not at the BAU and no laptop in site, since he preferred books to electronics in their bedroom. He must be committed.

“You're slacking, baby. Your systems shoulda been up earlier,” Morgan tsked.

“My apologies, sir.”

“Sir? Am I your dad or something?”

“You know, I've been accused of being more of a 'mama's boy,' but I can call you 'daddy' if you'd like.”

He delivered the line the same way he told people random facts about serial killers. Morgan wasn't sure how he felt about that, but it wasn't bad.

“That's,” he cleared his throat. Rossi was quietly asking if Garcia had found anything yet.

“Look that up for me, will you? Call me back.” He closed his phone with a snap.

“You alright, agent Morgan?” Rossi asked, his eyebrow arched, “you seem bothered.”

“Some cases are worse than others.”

“That doesn't answer my question.”

Morgan shook his head, confused. The older agent leaned closer.

“Either the heat is getting to you, or you are sweating for some other reason,” he said quietly.

Morgan's phone rang, startling him.

“Aren't you going to get that?” Rossi nodded at the phone.

“Uh, right. You got something for me, babe?”

“Well, I wasn't sure what to look up, since you didn't specify what I need to look up. You said these  
victims were posed as if gambling?”

“Yep.”

“And they are the fifth and sixth victim.”

“Correct.”

“I think that the unsub is posing his victims performing the seven deadly sins. The first one was posed in front of a television set. That could be sloth. Then we have the body found at the salon, looking in the mirror.”

“Pride.” He put the phone on speaker.

“The random body parts all seem related to whatever sin to portrayed at the crime scene. The eyeball at the salon. The tongue for the man at the diner. The liver from the first victim showed signs of cirrhosis.”

“So we have pride, sloth, gluttony, and what? Greed?” The two victims were playing cards, perhaps bullshit. One of them had four aces ready to put down in the center and seemed pretty pleased with themselves, despite being a dead body. The other player had just picked up most of the deck and looked pretty pissed about losing (they might also be angry about being someone who was killed and their body posed at a hangout intended for comic book lovers, but who could say for certain).

“The victim that appears to be losing is probably envious, just as I am envious of your good looks.”

Realization dawned on Rossi, who had been confused at why Reid was talking to them instead of Garcia.

“Right.”

He cleared his throat as Derek took the phone off of speaker.

“And?” Spencer promoted.

“Go ahead,” Rossi all but ordered, albeit he was clearly amused.

“If you're going to be envious, look in a mirror, baby.”

Back in DC, Spencer wrinkled his nose, annoyed that he couldn't tell if that was a compliment or an insult. Either way, it sounded clumsy and he wasn't sure that he liked it.

“You sound nonsensical.”

“Yeah, you were on speaker phone.”

“No, nonsensical means that you weren't making sense.” Although there had been some feedback for a  
moment, like one hears when they are on-

“Please tell Agent Rossi that I am sorry for being unprofessional. And yes, I'm sure you're with him because JJ could have thought it was funny and I didn't hear any laughter.”

“Profiling the situation, huh, smarty pants?”

“Someone has to. Apparently, it has to be me,” he retorted.

Morgan began to apologize profusely to both of them. Spencer sighed and decided to let him off the hook.

“Rossi's fine with the flirting.”

Huh. That was nice. Derek always flirted with Garcia, after all. Rossi probably would not want them flirting anymore, since Penelope was the one he had intended to call.

“He does want me to call Garcia now. I'll talk to you later, okay?”

“I completely understand. Can you put me back on speaker for a moment?”

Morgan complied, expecting his boyfriend apologize. He was not wrong. He was a profiler. Above that, he was Spencer's boyfriend and he knew Spencer.

“It's alright. I've heard him talk to Garcia before. I know how he can be,” Rossi assured and gave Morgan a wink.

“He's a pretty big flirt,” Reid agreed.

“Only with really gorgeous people, baby boy,” Derek said, feeling adventurous again. Reid deserved a little teasing for joking about him with Rossi, who rolled his eyes and took a drink of his coffee.

“Aww, gay!” Spencer cooed.

Derek sputtered and began thinking of some way to get back at Spencer as he hung up. First, however, he needed to make sure that the medical examiner knew that there had not been coffee spat onto the victims when they were discovered.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you liked my drabble. And Ping, I hope you find this and enjoy it. After all, this is your birthday present. Happy birthday!:3  
> Also, the coffee shop is based on a real place. No murders, but plenty of fun drinks and comic books.


End file.
